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Census Sensibility/Transcript
Oscar Leroy: The place looks great, Gil. You really turned it around. Got a big crew, too. Some of them are a little young. Gilbert: It's a u-pick-it, Oscar. Oscar: Huh? Gilbert: Yeah, I was losin' money hand over fist. Then I put up a u-pick-it sign at the road. Now people pay me to harvest the berries. Oscar: Holy hell. Oscar: There's plenty of carrots over there. Fill up your bags. Emma Leroy: My garden! Oscar: This stuff was goin' to waste just buried in the ground. I got almost $30. Emma: It'll cost ya a lot more than that. Shrub Picker: I took a shrub. I hope that's okay. Oscar: Yeah. Karen Pelly: I'm just saying I should be able to wear earrings. Davis Quinton: Not on the job. In a struggle, the earrings give the other guy the advantage. Karen: Hank, if I wore earrings, could you take me in a fight? Hank Yarbo: Well, that depends. If I got the jump on you, I'd... Karen: You'd choke me. Davis: You'd pretend to choke. Karen: I think he is choking. We should do that thing, uh, the Heinlich manoeuvre. Davis: Did you say Heinlich manoeuvre? It's Heimlich, with an "m." Karen: I did say Heinlich, didn't I? Oh, what a day. Davis: It's spelled with "m" and you said it with an "n." Karen: I know. What's my deal? Remember that time I said "irregardlessly"? Hank: You saved my life. Brent: Yeah. What's that make it, the eighth time? Hank: The first time with a pickle. Well, a sweet pickle. Brent: Don't you guys know how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre? Karen: We know how to say it. Hank: I'm gonna go wash this off. Brent: That's right, safety first. Wanda Dollard: Lacey, true or false? Your health is important to you. Lacey Burrows: Okay. I'll pay for the magazine. You don't have to threaten me. Wanda: No. I mean as a busy professional, you don't always have time to eat. Lacey: Wanda, I work in a kitchen, surrounded by food, all day. Wanda: Yeah. But you don't want to eat that crap. That's why you need Organo meal replacement bars. Lacey: Made in Uzbekistan. Wanda: Really? I mean, yeah. Leave it to the Uzbekians. They really know how to replace a meal. Brent: What are you sellin', bars now? Wanda: It's a job I've taken up. Brent: But I pay you to work here. Wanda: And I still do. But now I have a job at work. Do you want to sell them at The Ruby? If I sign you up as a rep, I get them at a reduced rate. Lacey: Oh, okay. Is this one of those pyramid scams? Wanda: No. It's a multilevel marketing scam. Brent: Man, these don't have nougat in them or anything. It's got soy. That's like the anti-nougat. If nougat and soy were ever to touch, we'd all be vaporized. Lacey: I don't agree with Brent's vaporizing theory, but I do have a bad feeling about these. Wanda: Great. So I should sign you up for what, two dozen boxes? Lacey: How about I just leave? Wanda: How about you? Brent: I only replace meals with other meals. Fitzy Fitzgerald: You call yourselves police officers, but you don't have a basic understanding of first aid? Davis: I'm very disappointed in you. Fitzy: What about you? Do you know first aid? Davis: I thought she did. Fitzy: I'm sending you both to the City to take a first aid course, this weekend. Davis: So you don't know first aid either? Karen: Nope. Davis: I had a feelin' about you. Karen: Mmm, I had the same feelin' about you. I was just afraid to say anything. Davis: If people knew about this... Karen: They won't know. I'll pick you up Saturday morning, we'll go to the hotel. We'll be back to work on Monday. Davis: Okay. See ya, partner. Lacey: I think Karen and Davis might be having some kind of thing, a fling, a, a secret romantic fling, thing. Brent: A fling thing. In a house, with a mouse? Lacey: I'm serious. They have a relationship. Brent: In a box, with a fox? Lacey: OK, you can doubt it if you want. But they are going to a hotel together this weekend. Brent: Really? Lacey: Mm-hmm. Brent: That is weird. I wonder how they'll get there. On a plane, on a train, on a boat, with goat? Lacey: Do you know anything that rhymes with immature? Brent: Legislature? Emma: Have you figured out how you're going to pay for all this? Oscar: I don't have to pay for it. I can do it myself. I already fixed your shrubs. Emma: Yeah. About that, you planted them upside down. Oscar: Well, how am I supposed to know how they go? You got all these stupid rules. Lacey: You and Karen, you've been through a lot together. It must make ya closer to a person. Davis: I guess you can say we've been in some sticky situations. Karen: I'm outta stickies. Davis: Here. Karen: Thanks. Karen: This door is sticky. Davis: Can't help. Hands are all sticky. Karen: What's that in the ditch? Is that a stick? Davis: Well, it's stick-ey. Davis: Are we heroes? I'd say, yes. Lacey: Well, I think it's nice. And don't worry, I am very discreet. Karen: What was that about? Davis: Goin' on about how we're heroes. Karen: Hmm. Must be desperate for tips. Fitzy: Normally we hire Hank to do the census. Hank: I got experience. Fitzy: On the other hand, normally Hank screws it up somehow. Hank: Granted. Fitzy: On the other, other hand, Oscar, you're Oscar. So, you can see my dilemma. Oscar: But I need the cash. Shrubs don't grow on trees. Fitzy: We'll decide the scientific way, with an aptitude test. Oscar: Is this the kinda thing where I have to fill a cup? Fitzy: No, no. It's a written test. Oscar: Hand me the cup. Fitzy: Okay, time's up. Let's see how ya did. Hank? You drew a picture of a caveman. Hank: It's a shark. Fitzy: And Oscar, you've been reading a copy of Chatelaine, from 1983. Oscar: I was figuring out my sass factor. Fitzy: Well, I call that a tie. Congratulations. You're both hired. Hank: Just 'cause a shark's holdin' a club doesn't mean he's a caveman. Oscar: By the way, I filled this. Brent: Okay, look, I want you to quit this job. Wanda: Really? Well, I suppose it would give me more time to concentrate on selling these bars. It's been a slice. Brent: What? What? No, whoa, whoa! I mean quit the bar one. Seriously, how much can you make selling soy non-nougat bars? Holy moly! Wanda: Holy moly? Who are ya, L'il Abner? Brent: Sorry. I get wholesome when I'm flustered. That's a lot of cash. Wanda: See, this is how much I could make if I sign up reps to work for me. Brent: Heavens to Murgatroyd! Well, if you're hiring, I could sell these bars for ya. I mean, I, I love soy. I'm like a soy-a-holic. Gee Whillikers, that's tasty. Wanda: Would you like me to teach you some grown up curse words? I got lots. Hank: Let's get one thing straight. I work alone and I don't need some hotshot whiz kid tellin' me how to count people. Oscar: I know how it goes down. Hank: You don't know how it goes down or even when it goes down. It just went down and you didn't know. Oscar: You don't know me, where I'm from, what my sass factor is. Hank: It doesn't matter. Out here it's different. You need to forget everything you learned in training. Oscar: What training? Hank: I like your attitude. Whoo. Let's make this happen. Karen: Don't feel bad, Davis. Every first aid course has a winner and every first aid course has a loser. Davis: Why do you have to turn everything into a contest? Not everything has to be a bet. Davis: Hey, let's make this into a contest. Whoever does better wins, like a bet. Karen: A deal's a deal. You had to buy me earrings and I get to wear them to work. Davis: Hope you choke on a pickle. Brent: You can replace a whole meal with these. Emma: Are you saying my cooking's bad? Brent: No. I'm just, I'm saying sometimes you might rather eat a pressed bar of soy from Uzbekistan. Emma: Stay away from me. Brent: Thanks, Mom. Lacey: Hey. Still don't believe me about Karen and Davis? Brent: I so don't believe you. My disbelief is like an iron fortress of disbelief, patrolled by Superman. And he doesn't believe you either. Lacey: Check it out. Davis: Here's your stupid earrings. Karen: Hah-ha-ha-haah. Thank you, sucker. Brent: Good gravy. Lacey: I guess Superman should spin his webs on back to the bat cave. Brent: You don't read a lot of comic books, do ya? Hank: Evenin', ma'am. Census. We'd just like to ask you a few questions. Oscar: Headcount. One and a half. Let's go. Hank: Headcount? What kinda hotshot stunt was that? Oscar: It worked, didn't it? Hank: Yeah, it worked this time. You're lucky. Now, go wait in the truck. Headcount. I'll give ya this, rookie. You got guts. Wanda: Okay, how are the numbers over there, people? Let's hear from Team A. Brent: Uh, I'm the, I'm the only one here. Wanda: Let's go. You're wasting everybody's time. Brent: Oh, well, I didn't know we were going to do this so soon. Uh, okay. Well, uh, looking at the raw data, and rounding up, uh, zero. Wanda: Wow. Disappointing results from Team A. Remember, there is no "I" in "team." Brent: I'm the only one on the team. Wanda: And you wonder why you failed. Everyone else, Team A is a good example of what not to do. Brent: Okay, I don't want to do this anymore. Wanda: Okay, okay. Wait. I've got something even you should be able to sell. Brent: Chocolate Organo bars? How can something chocolate be good for you? It's a trick, isn't it? Are bats gonna fly out of this? Wanda: You always think bats are gonna fly out of everything. Brent: Wouldn't put it past 'em. Sleep all upside downy. Wanda: Rule number one. Never use your own stash. Brent: Can I feed this to my team? Hank: I remember this place. They give me trouble every year. Oscar: What do we do? Hank: Follow my play. Hank: How many people in the house, ma'am? Emma: 27 and a monkey. Oscar, don't waste my time. Hank: You think this is a joke? This is the census, lady. Look, don't make me mad! I'll fly off the handle! I'll lose it! I'll snap! Oscar: Okay, calm down, pal! My partner's a loose cannon. I can't control him. Help yourself out while you still can. How many people here? Emma: It's gonna be one if you don't get off my step. Oscar: Okay, we got it. Let's roll. Hank: I like your new root bush. Davis: This is humiliating. My partner, Constable Jangle Ears. Karen: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't hear you over the sound of my ears jangling. Davis: Laugh if you want. But people are going to be weirded out by this. Lacey: Karen, I like those earrings. Pretty classy. Davis: I'm not hungry. Lacey: Did I say the wrong thing? Karen: He's a little sensitive right now. Lacey: I'm sorry. I said that I would be discreet. Karen: What? Lacey: I shouldn't have said anything. Hank: I gotta hand it to ya, rook. You weren't half bad out there. Oscar: Remember we went to that one house and asked how many people there were, and then they told us? Hank: You can't make that stuff up. Fitzy: Three and a half people. That's all you counted? You're both fired. Oscar: You don't know how it goes down in the street. You sit here behind your desk. Fitzy: I don't have a desk. It's a door on two filing cabinets. Oscar: Oh. Well, you should have one. You're the mayor. Hank: If he goes, I go. Fitzy: I want you to go. I'm firing you both. Oscar: I can't do it without him. Fitzy: You can't do it with him. You're both fired. Hank: So, when do we meet our new partners? Lacey: I want to apologize about yesterday. Karen: Oh, the soup wasn't that bad. I mean it was kinda salty. Ah, it was really salty. Lacey: Okay. You're saying bad things about my soup. But I understand. It's only because you're hurting. Karen: Huh? Lacey: About what I said to you and Davis. I said I'd be discreet and then yesterday I hit a sore spot. Karen: Is this about my earrings? Lacey: I am going to make a special dinner tonight. Why don't you come, bring Davis, and you guys can work things out. Karen: Oh, all right. But no soup. Lacey: Again, it's irrational that you'd say bad things about my soup. But go ahead, vent. And don't worry, I'll be discreet. Brent: There's a phrase you don't normally hear yelled across a room. What's up with Jangle Ears? Lacey: Karen and Davis had a fight. I think they might break up. Brent: Well, maybe it's for the best. Lacey: But it's love. Brent: You don't know that. Lacey: I'm making a romantic dinner tonight to try and help win Davis back. It can be hard on a relationship when you try and keep it secret. Brent: I hear ya, sister. Emma: Lacey's cooking a romantic dinner for Davis. Oscar: Huh? Emma: She said she's trying to win him back. Oscar: Uh-huh? Emma: She said it's hard to keep a romance secret. Oscar: What are you nattering about? Emma: Put the pieces together. Romantic dinner. Win him back. Secret romance. Fitzy: You're fired, Oscar. Oscar: That Fitzy's a jackass. Emma: What? Oscar: Oh, gimme a second. Hah-ha! That's better. Hank: Yup, the census, it's a young man's game. You gotta watch your health. I mean, I almost choked on a pickle. Brent: I know. I was there. Hank: No, after that. Brent: You choked on another pickle? Hank: No, same one. So what's new in the world of civilians? Brent: Well, I run a gas station now. Hank: I knew that. Brent: Did you know Karen and Davis are dating each other? Hank: What? No! Brent: Yeah. Hank: No. Brent: Yeah. Hank: Whoa. No! Brent: Yeah. Heard it right from the horse's mouth. All right, I heard it from Lacey. There was no talking horse. Hank: But they're like brother and sister. That's like Donny dating Marie. That's gross. Brent: This coming from a guy who re-eats pickles. Hank: Ah, I gotta go walk this off. Wanda: Brent, I to need you to deliver an order to the Lepinski farm. Brent: I don't wanna go way out there. Wanda: An order is an order. Business only works is if you follow the chain of command. Brent: All right. Well, clean the freezer while I'm gone. Wanda: Yeah, right. Make another wish. Here, two boxes of Organo bars. Brent: Here's your box of Organo bars. Mrs. Lepinski: I thought there was supposed to be two. Brent: I just ate one box. Trust me, you don't want to eat two. Karen: Look, I've been thinkin' about the earrings, and maybe they are sorta weirding people out. Here. Davis: What am I going to do with stupid earrings? Just don't wear 'em on the job. Karen: Really? Thanks, Davis. Oscar: Davis gave earrings to Karen. Emma: You mean to Lacey. Oscar: No, Karen. She's the blonde one. Emma: To Karen? Davis is playing the field, that dirty dog. Oscar: A cop with earrings. Another way Fitzy's lettin' this town go to hell in a hand basket. A hand basket, yet! Oscar: Census. Guy Oscar Counts: Census? But Fitzy already came by. Oscar: Fitzy. I'm doing my own census. How many people here? I'm a loose cannon. I can't control me. Wanda: You ate a whole box? How is that even possible? Brent: Well, not the wrappers. And the box itself is still fine. Wanda: I never shoulda hired you. Brent: You're right, it is your fault. Well, back to work. Wanda: That kinda sloppiness might be okay here at work, but not on the job. You're fired. Brent: Oh yeah? Well, if I can't do my job at work, neither can you. Wanda: Fine. Brent: Fine. So it's a stalemate, then. Wanda: Indeed. There sure is a lot of free time here when neither one of us is working. Brent: Yeah, it takes you back, doesn't it? Wanda: Yeah. Karen: I thought there would be more people. Lacey: Well, that wouldn't be very romantic. Karen: Romantic? Davis: That food looks good. Lacey: Come on. Emma, we're closed. Emma: This will just take a minute. Lacey, I don't know how to tell you this, but Davis has been seeing Karen. Lacey: I know. Emma: You know? And yet you're still doing this for him? Lacey, have you no self-respect? He's not worth it. Karen: Worth what? Oh, try the fish. Lacey: Hank, we're closed. Hank: I've just got somethin' to say. Karen, don't come here tryin' to win Davis back. He's two timing ya with Lacey. Lacey: What? Karen: Bread stick? Hank: No, thank you. Just move on, Karen. It's over. Actually, I will have a bread stick, thank you. Lacey: Davis didn't leave Karen for me. Emma: No, he left you for Karen. Hank: Geez Davis, how many girlfriends you got? Davis: I dunno. I told ya it'd get weird. Karen: Pass the risotto? Lacey: Oh. Who cares what the population is? It's just a number. Hank: It's not just a number. There's a higher purpose. Brent: Yeah, folks on the highway need to know how many people they're driving past. Fitzy: All right, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to unveil the results of this year's census, which I had to do myself. Dog River's population is exactly... Oscar: No! Don't listen to Fitzy! I got the results of the real census, the people's census! Lacey: Well, what is it? Oscar: About 500. Fitzy: Oscar. Wes Humboldt: Maybe he's right. Jane: Yeah, this town does have about 500 people. Wes: Oscar's a hero. Hank: Ya done me proud, rook. Ya done me proud. Category:Transcripts